Relationship Communication-Skills
Tutorial
FAQs (Frequently Asked Questions)
Click on FAQ for answer.
How long does it take to do the tutorial?
The tutorial has seven Recommended Readings.
It takes between 5 & 10 minutes to read each one. Allow about an hour to read the whole tutorial.
At the end of each Recommended Reading you are asked to send
the tutorial coach feedback or ask questions.
To expand upon the value of the tutorial it's recommended that you share your
thoughts about what you read and post questions/comments to
the tutorial coach. Coaching conversations can
stretch out over a period of days.
There is also a list of a wide variety of relationship related
topics for your perusal (see
Optional Questions/Topics).
Once you have submitted the free
Registration Form we will email you the passwords and instructions. Then you'll have the
option of reading the Recommended Readings or starting the tutorial by asking
about a specific personal
or relationship, communication
problem on the Relationship Tutorial Message Board (RTMB). You will receive the RTMB
password by email.
If you post a question or comment please wait 8 - 12 hours (rarely longer than 72 hours)
for a reply from the coach. Please wait for a reply to your post before
posting a second time.
The tutorial coach will personally reply to your posts. Other
registered participants may join in on a conversation.
You may take as long as you wish to do the tutorial. Once
registered you will have free consulting from the coach. You will have unlimited use of the RTMB thereafter.
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What's the philosophy?
The communication model is based upon personal responsibility.
It supports communicating openly, honestly, and
spontaneously, no significant withholds—through to mutual satisfaction—from cause rather
than from blame.
Community Communications, the tutorial's sponsor, is a genuine
501(c)(3) nonprofit education organization; it is both nonsectarian and nonpolitical.
"Genuine" here meaning, no one gets paid and there are no advertisements.
Why free? Beginning in 2010 we discontinued charging
for our services, in part because service is its own reward and our
belief that education should be free and, most importantly, it works.
Donations help
defray operating expenses.
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What's the education principle?
The educational principle is referred to as experiential discovery-learning.
The tutorial is a synthesis of what works. The material comes from
the academic,
business, and several military leadership models, as well as from what's current
in the field of human potential and personal growth.
It supports transformation of self as self, self as relationship,
self as organization, self as community, and self as society. In other words,
the process takes you out into the world, it empowers you in making a positive
difference.
The tutorial is not therapy or about getting better or about changing yourself, or making
decisions to do things differently. It's not about doing things a "right" way.
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How does the tutorial work?
The tutorial presumes that children are supposed to have
specific conversations at various times in life. If we didn't have each of these conversations, especially about
such things as manipulation, control, surrender, sex, domination,
responsibility, agreements, abuse, etc., then we are incomplete. If we were
submitted to lots of topics but they were delivered by a
hypocritical, do-as-I-say, lecturing parent, then the
content, though accurate and understood, might be layered under
many unconsciously learned undesirable
behaviors. An example might be: Pigging out on
sugar when you've been told it's not healthy. You
find you have no choice due to the thousands of incomplete
communications between you and your parents. It's
an, "In one ear and out the other, resistance,
even-to-truths, kind of thing." Yet, when
communicated clearly, without the charge, without parental add-ons/omissions, the mind
says, "Oh, I get it," and then it acts from the
truth automatically.
The tutorial further presumes that each childhood
upset was supposed to have ended with hugs
and an experience of validation and love.
Conversations that ended with a lie, or blaming,
or, going to bed upset, or with an experience of invalidation,
are called
incompletes. Yesterday's incompletes generate today's
conversations which determine the kinds of
problems we generate. A person who is whole and
complete generates different problems than, say,
someone who has many childhood incompletes.
The way to complete incompletes is through communication;
talking
about them doesn't do it.
As you read the Recommended Readings, or the coach's
replies to your questions, your mind reacts, sometimes triggering incompletes.
If after reading a topic you share your thoughts and experiences with the
tutorial coach you will accelerate your communication mastery process.
Later, during communications with others, you will notice yourself observing
yourself. In the enlightenment game, "observation" is the first
level when awakening from unconsciousness.
At first you may find yourself doing exactly what you know doesn't work,
however, the tutorial eventually kicks in and you'll begin to have a choice,
right in the middle of a conversation.
Most participants report that the process transforms their experience of communication.
Throughout the tutorial you will be prompted to stop reading
and post some feedback to the coach on the Relationship Tutorial Message Board.
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What happens if I start and quit?
There is no agreement for you to complete the tutorial however, it's
recommended that you complete the tutorial within six months. If
you do not complete the tutorial within six months you may have to register again.
You may take as many recess as you want during the six months.
The main thing that might happen if you start and quit, is an
apparent postponing of your communication-skills mastery process. However,
in the mastery curriculum, postponing, even taking a break, is an essential
component. It appears that we need to spend time with people that
don't add to our aliveness so as to learn something.
If for any reason you need longer than 72-hours to
reply to the coach's/someone's reply, post a message
saying when we can expect a reply. To not do so keeps
others incomplete, wondering.
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What happens if I fail?
The tutorial is not a pass/fail education process.
It's not about memorizing or using certain sentences that have worked for others.
It's not about reading manipulation tricks or techniques and trying them
out on a friend.
There is no outside reading nor are there any homework assignments.
What happens is:
-
you read a Recommended Reading.
-
you send us your thoughts or, if you wish, ask a question.
-
optionally you may engage in conversations with the tutorial coach.
-
continue reading the next Recommended Reading until you have read them all.
-
observe what happens in your relationship with others.
Put another way, you will find yourself communicating from a different ground of
being, automatically handling situations differently, without trying.
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What kind of follow-up is required?
No follow-up is required. None is offered. After completing the
tutorial you may, at any time, post specific questions to the
coach on the Relationship Tutorial Message Board (RTMB). You may ask questions and respond to other
participants.
If you get value from playing this game you can read
about the
Community Support Group Project —an energizing game that supports
service to the community.
Free consulting
is also available upon request thereafter.
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How about privacy?
Privacy Policy:
We will not sell or give any of your data to anyone, ever. We do
not require your residential address or phone number. You may register using
Anonymizer with an
alias user name. We do not contact you by email except:
1) To acknowledge
receipt of your registration (includes some
instructions tips).
2) To email you your Message Board password.
3) To acknowledge receipt of a report you might send to our webmaster
about a link or site problem.
4) To reply to a question you may ask about using the tutorial or the
Message Board.
5) To acknowledge a donation.
This also
means we do not contact you to ask you what's
happening in your life or to inform you about new tutorials or
services. We do not prompt you with reminder emails
to finish your clearings or the tutorial once you have started it.
Any tutorial-content related
emails are posted to the Relationship Tutorial
Message Board for all to share.
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Who is the tutorial for?
The tutorial is for—
| singles |
|
divorcees |
| teens |
|
relationship couples |
| married persons |
|
separated persons |
| relationship seekers |
|
parents/grandparents |
It addresses the following kinds of problems:
How
do I get my wife to . . . ?
How do I get my husband to . . . ?
My son won't . . .
My mother-in-law keeps . . .
How . . . ?
My child won't . . .
My ex won't . . .
His ex keeps . . .
How do I break the news that . . . ?
My mother still . . .
Regarding sex, what . . . ?
Please
let us know if you have participated with us before.
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Is there an Eligibility Policy?
The tutorial will not work for the following individuals:
1) If you are currently in therapy
or attend counseling or support group sessions please do not do the tutorial until you have
completed your sessions and you have not seen a
therapist/counselor for a period of three months.
2) If you are an alcoholic, or
someone else considers you to be an alcoholic,
even if you are attending AA meetings, please do
not do the tutorial, except that you have not
had a drink in five years.
3) If you are
relating with an alcoholic (to include your
parents) even if they are attending regular AA
meetings, except that they have not had a drink
in five years.
"Relating" here
means interacting verbally or in
writing, to include gifts/reading letters they may
send you. The exception being, if you have
disciplined yourself to handle only logistics,
such as with children or finances. Absolutely
no casual, "How are you doing?" conversations.
The premise being—you have been an enabler.
4) If American English is not your mother tongue.
5) If you have been
ineligible or have been recessed pending completion of an assignment.
6) If you attend
church regularly. Reason? You should be engaging the support of your
spiritual advisor. It's possible that part of your problem has to
do with you thwarting your pastor, not allowing him/her, the
congregation, and your faith, to support you), that, or it may
be the consequences
of hypocrisy.
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How can I get my partner to do the tutorial?
If you are seriously asking this question it's almost
certain no advice will work for you. If you have fear in your
relationship (fear that they might resist or not do the tutorial eagerly)
then your relationship is already too damaged. You, not your partner, need
therapy/counseling/coaching. No matter what you believe, or who told you, or who
agrees with you, you need as much therapy as does your partner. And, they
will not be able to begin healing until you commit to healing yourself,
which includes to stop trying to heal/change them.
If, due to dissatisfactions with their behaviors,
you invite your partner to do the tutorial, they might take it to mean that
you think that they are the one who needs help, no matter what words of
assurance you use. You might honestly believe that they need more help than you,
that things would be OK, if only they . . . . Your partner
will have no choice but to resist (survival) because they know, from their
perspective, it's true. They are possibly afraid of the awesome transformation they
will have to undergo, to include surrendering control to you. In truth they
sense that even you asking them to do the tutorial portends the beginning
of the end. They are afraid. They are afraid that if you become
enlightened you'll see who they are afraid they
are, and that you'll no longer put up with the way in which they
have been relating with you, which is also true.
Bottom line: Unless you are totally willing to not have the
relationship do not invite someone to do the tutorial, someone you already
suspect/know will not.
Do the tutorial to improve your own communication skills, not to save
an already failing relationship.
Just as the tutorial improves the communications in a
relationship that's working, so too does it accelerate the completion of
a relationship that's not working.
Why do the tutorial if the relationship isn't working and you
have no desire to make it work? Because
the tutorial will support you in completing the relationship responsibly, from
love and support, as opposed to going the costly adversarial (attorney) route.
It also supports a participant in recreating the relationship so that, although
separated, it's mutually satisfying.
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