Let's look at a definition of integrity.

Integrity: Whole and complete. Nothing missing, nothing added, honoring ones word, keeping agreements. Also an experience, as in, an experience of integrity. An experience is outside the mind. The mind may find itself explaining or justifying a broken agreement such as why an employee is performing poorly or why a mission failed. The very preoccupation of the mind with the subject matter is proof that something about the experience is incomplete. The person is not whole and complete, something (the justification) is added. Truth needs no justification.

Usage:

In-integrity. One is whole and complete, all good deeds, perpetrations and withholds have been verbally acknowledged.

Out-integrity. One has one or more verbally unacknowledged perpetrations (lies, deceits, thoughts withheld) with one or more people, or with ones self. — i.e. lying to oneself that the other started the deceit or the fight.

To honor ones word; to keep agreements. Specifically, that one can be trusted to acknowledge soonest, each lie, each broken agreement, each perpetration.

The word "verbally" is used to draw attention to the fact that unacknowledged perpetrations/withholds are always being communicated non-verbally, affecting all outcomes.

Do you remember your first lie?

If you were like me I thought my mother could see right through me. I honestly believed she could tell when I was lying. It probably was true for while; in the beginning, between most mothers and their child, a condition of integrity exists. Most parents eventually lose the ability to experience when their child is withholding (hiding) a thought. Parents have so many of their own out-integrities they lose their ability to be with their child.

A child is innocent; it actually shows on their face. Their face is whole and complete, nothing missing or added except in certain circumstances. The primary care giver, the one who spends most of the day with the child, can read (experience) the child's well-being, the integrity if you will, the wholeness of the child. A mother can, from another room, sense when something is wrong; if a mother operates from a relatively high degree of integrity, she experiences the vibrations and emanations of her child.

I believe what happens during pregnancy and after birth is that as the months pass many mothers become involved in minor perpetrations and deceits. They've gotten used to withholding certain thoughts from their partner. They also become used to telling "white" lies. You know, the ones that don't appear to hurt anyone, such as, "Just one more bite." "After you eat you can play with your toy." "No, you can't have any." (after which the mother gives them some). The out-integrities begin to add up. With each one comes a rational. There are of course a few subjects she withholds from her husband.  There are some resentments she stuffs, ostensibly in the interest of harmony. She has even had thoughts of divorcing which she hides for fear of . . .  Eventually, a seemingly invisible cloak of guilt and shame builds up. She's compromised her integrity a little or a lot. She becomes preoccupied with her thoughts and guilt. She's actually unconscious and doesn't know it. Then one day her child lies to her. She, being unconscious, doesn't notice the look on his/her face. Anyone else could tell that the child looks "sheepish," he/she looks away or even looks guilty. It's not the usual countenance of innocence.

Possibly what happens then is the mother sweeps up the child and becomes involved in a new distracting activity and the incident is seemingly forgotten. However, an interaction such as this becomes THE FIRST LIE, a perpetration, for which the child did not get caught. These kinds of seemingly small perpetrations build up in a household in which there is not the continual concern with integrity and its maintenance (see Clearing Process for a Parent and a Young Person/Teen).

A condition of out-integrity happens when parents themselves are dragging around, into each new conversation, verbally unacknowledged perpetrations, say to the welfare agency or on a job application form; maybe they lied about the value of their household possessions to the insurance company. Children from such households sometimes actually have a sneaky look about them. One can't put their finger on what it is, it's just an experience. The sweetness, the innocence is gone. There is no longer a condition of integrity in the household nor in its relationships.

Later when the police ask, as they did to the Columbine parents, "Have you noticed a change in your child lately?" an unconscious mother can honestly say no. The truth is it happened so long ago and so gradually, it wasn't noticed. The aliveness the sweetness, the affectionate embraces long gone.

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Certain Circumstances

An ill child is out of integrity in the sense that he/she is not whole and complete. Something is either missing (perhaps a specific immune system related nutrient) or added (a virus). His/her face usually shows discomfort or pain. Perhaps the child cries a lot. If so it should be encouraged, as explained in The Aware Baby by Aletha Jauch Solter, available through Amazon.com. This is one of the few books on communication that I recommend everyone read.

For parents intent on supporting the healing process of their child it's an opportunity for them to check their own integrity. The child is a mirror of the parent's integrity. In that way parents are assured they are working on the problem at hand and that it has absolutely nothing to do with their personal integrity.

For example: If one lied to the hospital administration about their ability to pay the bill then one can't be absolutely certain if the treatment failure has anything to do with the lie. Eliminate the lie, and the possible consequence for the lie, and one can be certain it has nothing to do with one's lies. This is one of the main benefits of playing the integrity game. Not that it's good or right to tell the truth but that it allows one to focus on their communication skills by eliminating integrity as a negative variable.

Put another way: If, as a teacher, lots of students break their homework agreements with you then you can't be sure whether the problem has to do with how you communicate the homework or if it could be because you are breaking your agreement with the administration to hand in attendance reports on time.

Can someone tell when you're lying? Please go to Integrity pg. 2

Note: Of the thousands of clients I've had in the past 44+ years, only one completed my three-hour communication consultation without me hearing at least one lie. That is to say, all others communicated one or more lies during the three-hour consult. None were conscious of the lie until I pointed it out to them. This is important, especially if you hold that all truths and all lies have consequences and, that a lie is a lie whether or not you are aware that you are lying.